The Cable Car I’d Want to Ride In
Aubrey Huff and Pat Burrell, former college roommates, are riding in the same cable car. Huff is waving the famous Rally Thong while Burrell is wearing what appears to be a dress shirt under a t-shirt. Burrell is also pounding Bud Lights and completely ignoring anyone with a microphone.
Election Day FAQ for Giants Fans
In all the excitement over San Francisco’s first-ever World Series title, coupled today’s General Election, a lot of Giants fans are hung over, disoriented, and confused about what to do today. As a public service, here’s a guide to some Frequently Asked Questions from SF fans.
Do I still need to vote?
But I was watching last night. Isn’t Brian Wilson the governor now?
No, he isn’t.
Can I vote for him?
He’s not even running. You’d have to write his name in, but — look, Brian Wilson is not going to be the governor.
No one said the Giants could beat the Phillies, either! Who else is running?
It’s Meg Whitman versus Jerry Brown.
Which one has a beard?
I guess Meg Whitman.
Is Barbara Bush running?
No. Are you thinking of Senator Barbara Boxer? Because she is running for re-election.
Hope you got a nice view of Madison Bumgarner’s slider from behind home plate, bitch! Let’s go Giants! (Clap clap clap-clap-clap)
I don’t know what to say.
OK, what else is on the ballot?
There’s Proposition 19, which would allow for the decriminalization and taxation of marijuana.
Let Timmy smoke!
Right, and the measure would also…
Let Timmy smoke!
That’s not really a question.
He totally smoked those Texas hitters last night, bro!
There’s also Prop. 20, which would change the way that congressional districts are drawn up. It’s supposed to take power away from the established political machines.
The Machine! Dude, did you see when Brian Wilson had The Machine walk out behind him in leather gear during that interview?
Do you think that was Pat Burrell?
I…I don’t care.
Is Gavin Neukom running?
Gavin Newsom is running for lieutenant governor, yes.
It’s Neukom, dude! He’s the owner’s son.
He is not. He’s the mayor of San Francisco.
San Francisco! Wooo! Suck it, Arlington!
Seriously, the polls close in five hours. You should put some pants on, maybe drink some water, and go vote.
OK. I’m definitely gonna vote.
…For Buster Posey to start the motherfuckin’ All-Star Game! We want some Posey! We want some Posey!
I should go.
Did you know that’s an N.W.A. song?
Yes, you’re singing that to the tune of — is that — are you wearing a thong? With a panda head on the front?
My beard’s not the only thing I dyed black, bro.
You know what? Maybe you should sit this election out. Watch some tape, get your swing back. I’ll see you at the parade.
Pat Burrell Question
If you hit a three-run home run off a guy named Hanson, does that make you an mmmbopper?