If the Academy Award Best Picture nominees were San Francisco Giants
This week is the 86th Academy Awards AND the opening of spring training for the San Francisco Giants. As a big fan of both, I had to ask myself that age-old question: If the Academy Award Best Picture nominees were San Francisco Giants, what players would they be? Here’s my best guess:
Gravity: Pablo Sandoval. He’s very vulnerable to the forces pulling him back to Earth, and he’s also eaten a LOT of ice cream, freeze-dried or otherwise, in his day.
American Hustle: Angel Pagan. He’s Puerto Rican, but that’s part of America, OK? Much like the movie, Pagan is flashy, he’s got great hair, he’s extremely watchable, and he probably made more money than he deserved last year. Also, they’ve both been hamstrung by their own ambition - David O. Russell’s plot gets lost in the sprawl, Pagan tears his actual hamstring stretching out a game-winning inside-the-park home run. Though she’d be woefully miscast, I would be fascinated to see Jennifer Lawrence play center field for the Giants.
Dallas Buyers Club: Brandon Belt, who hails from Nacogdoches, Texas. If he were the star of the movie, the whole plot would revolve around smuggling illicit Olive Garden appetizers across the
Philomena: Marco Scutaro, because he’s a scrappy underdog - a journeyman middle infielder who is the baseball equivalent of a low-budget indie film. If you named his first few years in the majors after an actress, it would be Dame Judi Bench.
12 Years A Slave: Tim Hudson, although you’d have to call it “Nine Years A Brave.” The brutality of the ankle-breaking scene would get this player a hard-R rating.
Captain Phillips: The Giants do not have a designated team captain, so I would award this to reliever Javier Lopez, who the team rescued from the nefarious Pittsburgh Pirates in a daring 2010 trade that left John Bowker’s career dead.
The Wolf Of Wall Street: Hunter Pence, because he always looks and plays like he’s just done few rails of cocaine. Pence is surprisingly funny. He also signed a lucrative long-term contract extension last fall, which some experts have denounced as an elaborate scheme to steal the club’s money, while others say that, like the movie, that contract is just way too long.
Nebraska: Bruce Bochy, because he’s old,. His hair is black and white, and his head is the size of Nebraska.
Her: Tim Lincecum. He’s got a creepy mustache, and he’s been known to act like a Jackass. And of course there’s this:
(image by Joey Devine)